Tarun Elango

The Ministry of Things That Could Have Been an Email

Minutes of a “quick sync”

Scheduled: 15 minutes · Actual: 57 minutes
Attendees: eight people and one unmuted washing machine

Attendance

Everyone was present. Nobody knew why. One attendee said “sorry, wrong call” and left. The Ministry has nominated them for an award.

1. Can everyone see my screen?

Yes. For eleven minutes, this was our only confirmed result.

2. Getting aligned

Everyone agreed we needed to get aligned. On what was saved for the next meeting.

3. One last question

Someone said “just one last question” as everyone reached for Leave. The Ministry has classified this as a hostage situation.

Agreed actions

Send the two-sentence update that prompted this meeting.
Book a follow-up to check whether everyone read it.

Ministry incident report / 001

The great reply-all incident

Original message: “The printer is fixed.” · Recipients: 146

At 9:02, someone replied all to say “Thanks.” By 9:14, nineteen people had thanked them for the thanks.

Containment efforts

“Please stop replying all,” replied all the Head of Communications. Six people replied all to agree. One asked to be removed from the thread. Another asked which printer.

At 10:30, a meeting was booked to discuss email etiquette. The Ministry declined on principle.

Ministry application / 002

Application for permission to hold a meeting

Form M/01 · Estimated completion time: longer than the meeting

Please complete the following before borrowing six people’s afternoon.

State the purpose. “Catch up” is what you do with an old friend.
Explain why an email won’t work. “Nobody reads my emails” will be referred to the Department of Subject Lines.
Name the person making the decision. If there isn’t one, you have organised a podcast.
Confirm the meeting will end. “Recurring indefinitely” is a subscription.